perfectly imperfect

2007-07-29T19:04:00.000+08:00

it's time.

au revoir feintgloe, hello angstynancy
.

2007-07-22T19:04:00.000+08:00

TOO MANY UNCERTAINTIES....

2007-07-22T18:47:00.000+08:00

shooting stars.

you know that i tell myself that i am fine.

you know that i tell myself to be fine.

you know that it is hard to feel fine.

you know, you know?
i know, i know.

it's all only in my head.
it's all pieces of me.
it's all only me.

can i ever stop,
can i ever breathe,
can i ever learn to live,

without jumping off the ledge?

i'm fine. (that's a lie)
i'm fine. (is that true?)
i'm fine. (stares at the sky)
i'm fine. (it's time to stop thinking about you.)

2007-07-17T06:55:00.000+08:00

again and again.

what the heck am i doing?
what the heck am i doing?
what the heck am i doing?

weeee.. been sewing my nights away..
energized by late night coffee and 'the bird and the bee'.

i'm sure that im not sure what i want and what am i gonna get.

but i'm in this fantasy that i wish i'd not wake up from.

"ponders"

the instinct to nurture and care for something
breathes through me.
and it satisfies to satisfy.

conversations with myself once again
and i feel like playing with bubbles.

2007-07-08T20:36:00.000+08:00

time for masquerade, my love.

hanging on. trying to hang on to dear consciousness
pills after pills clouds perfect vision
resisting the anguish of
chemical versus disease.

confined to immobility
but mind's perpetual
desire to wonder.

chills and shudders,
not strong enough
to penetrate deeper to freeze
this pulsating lump of flesh.

mental visitations
to arid thorn infested pastures,
to dancing in the stars.

free me from this coma.

2007-07-05T03:32:00.000+08:00

pellucid delusions and a pinch of paradise.

well, the angst is gone

but hello this quietness.

"serene, staring into blankness,
keep me warm, dont wanna feel cold" phase.

and history does have its wise teachings,
which i have the choice to
imply

in my life

to feel secure

to say that im strong enough to handle it.

but buts are influencing me greatly.

can u blame the human heart,

memories are still lucid,
and they will never fade.

(hope its not a one way train ride.)

though reality and truths are much too
obvious to ignore.

somtimes i dont want to approach this
passionate sentiment
but it explodes somehow
making me uncomprehensible.

sheer glows of joyousness radiates
through me
cuz i have never felt such
content before.
which surprises me.

it has always been this special kind of comfort
that i needed.

and i dont think i want to let it go away.
cuz i dont want to let the comfort die.

just the warmth and the contact
aggreeably perfect like an illusion vivified.

2007-07-05T03:21:00.000+08:00

Volcano-Damien Rice

Don't hold yourself like that
cause You'll hurt your knees
well I kissed your mouth, and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around
Volcanoes melt you down

And What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth, your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around
Volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask
What I give to you is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new, no, no just another phase of finding
what I really need is what makes me bleed
But like a new disease, Lord, she's still too young to treat
Volcanoes melt you down

2007-06-27T23:56:00.000+08:00

you can look but you cant touch.

i suddenly realise that about a week now,
i have been feeling a familiar similar feeling
i used to feel in the past.

the rush of emotions are the same,
the jealousy,
the longing,

the constant dreams i get at night,

as well as day dreams (fantasies),
and the hurt
for knowing the truth that its something i can never reach.

it got me to a point when
its so fucking sickening to watch "people"
exchange their love or lust or happiness.

the burning raging fire in their eyes
makes me turn blue black green purple.

not being petty or frivolously jealous

i mean, it affects me.
it has an effect on me.

that looking is unbearable.

so i need to dance and sing and laugh
with my self to feel safe and sanely insane.

then the desire and temptation to inflict pain
cuz i cant bear to hate.

i want to not fall for them

so only kinda release is through physical pain.

and this makes me freaky.
but im not always like this.
i mean, it only satisfies me
when i see the person feels pain.

but i think me being a bitch doesnt count.
lol.

bleargh.
feel lethargic.
feel hungry.
feel unhorny.

feeling what i dont usually feel.

one phase after another.

and i want to shop!
i fucking want to shop.
i neeed to release this unerving tension inside.

NUR NUR. my motto now. go figure.

2007-06-14T20:29:00.000+08:00

lament whispers.

i feel weirded out for now i have all the answers to
my worriful and depressing sentimental phase.

isn't it just weird that its all like a "premonition"
or signs of something "tragic" thats coming.

damn it. nonetheless, the other tragedy
is
that i am actually all by myself
to overcome and to comfort and to SANE-itize myself.

but yea, truth is, we only have ourselves.
cant depend on anyone.

also promises are meant to be broken.
so dont / cant put too much hope or anything.

ah well. i think that i am emotionally numb
cuz i am still stunned and shocked
by the awful news.

and i still am in awe that people who does it just
for the fucking sake of doing it,
people with the least of passion, talent, and the mind
could actually pass it through with a breeze.

fuck it.

they fucking did their works un finished,
they fucking have no fucking idea
how to fucknig do anything without
asking to be spoon fed.

and i am the one who has to fucking waste
another three thousand dollars to
get my fucking diploma
in god knows when, after my fucking
national service.

its unbelievable.

id rather go study in some other country
if its gonna cost over fifteen thousand dollars
and five years
just for a fucking DIPLOMA CERTIFICATE?

damn it.
whats wrong with my karma?

and am i supposed to be okay?

2007-06-13T05:59:00.000+08:00

like a rainbow's lovely form, evanishing amid the storm.

and when nights are sleepless,
like right now, i just cant
control myself
but feel just all emotional.

watching emotional
homosexual related movies
online. with the past or
hidden desires
burns and screams
from within.

i didnt know that
its so difficult
to not think
for just one second.

makes me wonder so much
all over again,
why is this happening?

some kind of
psychological
shit
my body wants me
to go through?

at times it just gets
fucking hard
to look for
the answers or even
ask any more fucking
questions.

too many maybes.
too many what ifs.
too many how comes.
too many why nots.
too many why the fucks.

and then,
i thought.
movies, happy endings

or not,

they are scripted
for one and a half hour

but reality is just soo long.
too long to imagine whats gonna happen next
or to recollect everything from the past.

ah what the fuck am i talking about.

it fucks me up to
feel this way.
angry at myself
angsty nancy comes for a visit.

finding ways to feel better.
or finding ways to just
live.

but im not sure i can be so strong
eventhough i am,

im not sure if i can be so strong
to be able to constrain myself
or force myself
or tell myself im okay
to make me feel alright.

cuz i cant cuz i feel weak all
of the sudden.
like my heart's been triggered
to just be mellow.

which makes me sick.
cuz i get sick when i see happiness
or people being all mellow.
im not a sadist.
but i think i am sick
i have a problem.
this is a problem
which i dunno what could
ease or help or cure.

im not even sure if
what i really "wanted" could cure
me.

theres too much not sureness
uncertainties.
surprises.
secrets unveiled
that shocks me
or i dunno.

maybe im tired of living this part of life.
u know.
cuz it fucking wears you out.
drains every part of you
your mind especially.

like right now, my mind is fucking
filled with shit
but my body just wont sleep.
and its annoying.

if there is something i'd really like to do
right at this moment

is to just feel unlonely.
yes, maybe thats what i yearn for.
what iv been yearning for all these while

cuz its not that i cant survive being
solitary
all by myself all the time.
i can.

but we are humans.

I AM HUMAN.

no man is an island.

i dunno.
its hard to even think
if im jinxed or cursed
i dont want to be foolish to
be so fucking superstitious.

but i always tell myself,
maybe its not the
time yet.
not my time yet.
and patience is virtue.

i suddenly feel
what old people feel.

the silence
in the room.
the long loneliness
the knowledge that
life doesnt last forever
but death is not in our hands.

it feels painful.
but the only thing about old
people are that they are
more calm
because they lived long enough
to feel a certain
calmness maybe. PEACE.

and its only moments like this
i could say so much about
myself, the contents of
whats inside me.

and i even wrote a poem.
ha.
after so long
it was inpromtu.
nothing fabulous.
but yea, that
part of my mind has been
opened.

like i feel different you know.
like i can get fucking mushy
and emotional
and flirty
and all that jazz.

but i dont
feel fine.
i seem to be having something in me
sucking in all the goodness
that i want to feel and secreting out
all the negative energy and thoughts.

maybe im being invaded
by some dark entity.

there could be possiblities that
rizal does makes sense.
its all choices to believe to
put it to reality.

maybe also that i need some closure.
like to turn back the fucking
time and just fucking say
what i really wanted to say
cuz situations are still
going to be the same, like what
it is now.

but its too late now to see him
all over again.
cuz its different
and the truth is out
and i understand.
but i dont understand.
but i am fucking pissed
but i cant do anything
i have no choice.
but he is not a fucking angel.
and even if we talked

i dont trust a fucking word you'll say
to me.

maybe im still caught up with
the suddenness.

and please, i've moved on with my
fucking freakish feelings
its the bloody feeling
of betryal
deceit, lies and
ME being way too curious.

am i being childish to feel this way?
but how are adults supposed to think
you tell me?
you put on my stinking shoes and you tell me.

maybe im just being
a fucking faggot emo haha.

but you know what, i havent written anything like this
in ages.
the last time i wrote this way was
when i was mid-teen.

and i was actually ashamed i was being
so petty in my entries
or so pathetic.
but the thing is,
why should i be shameful of myself
cuz its my own fucking
right to say or do anything.
cuz this is the place
that i always go to
whenever i need a good rant.

i dont care.
cuz i dont know when will be

the last time

i am even able to feel again.

2007-06-11T21:25:00.000+08:00

PERNICIOUS MALADY.

damn these god damn phases.
maybe we humans does get affected by the
movements of the galaxies.
cant explain.
and its as if we're a different person altogether
who's to be blamed?

THE SUBCONSCIOUS?

for the first time
i could relate Madonna's Beautiful Stranger
into my life.

some stranger comes to you
says he likes you.
dont want to believe

cuz its all not within REACH.
and how can u believe something
over the other side of MSN?

but it really is a dream to feel something all over again.
but there are so much buts.

but i want truths.

and then,
sure everyone has felt this
feeling of an ardent yearn
for someone..
especially after spending some time together

enjoyed his/her company.
thought u are feeling a lil
'bit more then a friend' .

but you know that its all within you,
its only one sided.

the annoying thing is to control the urges. the undying fantasies
so good but untrue.
thus u have to erase them word by word.

like bjork's
bachelorette video ending.

or maybe
also alcohol does things to you
makes u be a weaker being.

damn. something so good can be so misleading.

at times i think what's the reasons behind
every single thing.
finding answers within but they are all actually
untrue, its all either the conscious
or the subconscious
talking.

whats real.
what's this entry about?

haha talking cock can feel so great.
and i am still not over the fact of what happened a year ago.
think it traumatised me greatly.

how can just one man be
so powerfull. even just one word.
curiosity really killed the cat. but the pussy lives.

if there is one story i'd write, i'd be doing a montage of all
i've felt, the rushes and the urges, the desires,
the hurt, the happiness.

and another will be about discovery.
all the questions
that i have.
breaking life's rubber.

and i am worried about army.
theres nothing to make me feel better
cuz every thing are things im forced to do.
i'm not sure if ill manage it.

i need a long meditation session.
* OM. *

2007-05-28T00:00:00.000+08:00

HI AGAIN MISTER MIGRANE.

isnt it absolutely amazing this feeling of an endless nothingness
like walking down a vast horizon (that is if one can walk on water).

ok that first phrase is such a boring statement!

lol. but truely. my goodness. this is actually the end of lasalle-sia
and i am sad to have to leave the place.
four years ago maybe five, i was only some weird
kid who feels that he 'fits' in cuz he is weird.
but the whole lasalle experience has actually matured me.

ofcourse the experiences are all self-taught. lol.
can u imagine "graduating" but feel like i still dont know anything much
to step into reality.

but u know that those who made it really just have exceptional confidence (and money)
and some fucknig talent only one out of a thousand possess.

haaaa...
feels good to rant.

but feels fucking depressing to feel aimless in life.

2007-05-10T23:18:00.000+08:00

some place safe.

and its another day when i realise that 'hmm..should try to make use of this blog.'
tho theres no particular reason. yes. i guess thats what my blog is for. like mini conversations
with myself only aware that people are/may come across this and read it. lalala

had another -cooking for company- day after so so long..
and iv also been so called celebrating my 'end of school' days clubbing or still unable to move on from
a nocturnal lifestyle.

there's been requests for my recipes to be posted so my guests(or even all you fellow readers-if any-could try them out. haha

so i made S TUFFED C HICKEN F ILLET W ITH P INEAPPLE R ELISH & M USHROOM S OUP today.. ahh me and my taste for sweet+sour combinations.

ingredients for SCFWPR (serves three or four):-
-six to eight pieces of average sized fillet of chicken (bout one packet from Fairprice Poultry Section).
-lengthy vegetables like asparagus, french beans, carrots, capsicum or anything that can be cut into strips. (or do experiment with other stuff)
-one lemon
-three large potatoes
-one canned pineapples
-butter,honey, salt and black pepper

methods:-
-season with pepper and salt
-lay fillet on cling wrap all flat and unoverlapping
-wrap everything up (still flat) and use meat tenderiser pounder or side of a butcher's knife to flatten the chicken
-let marinate

-wash potatoes clean and cut into eight pieces each (for large potatoes) ----even easier, first cut half, then half again and half everything
-boil with pinch of salt till 3/4 cooked
-drain and add 1/4 stick of butter and "sautee'" or let potatoes kinda "fry" a bit, season with pepper and salt.

-lay each fillet flat and stuff or put vegetables at a corner as u roll the fillet up its length (my gosh like anyone can understand this.

-then use toothpicks to secure the ends so the vege is tight bundled up together in the fillet wrap. ( the vege is suppose to be sticking out of the fillet wrap if u are unsure how it looks like~)
-u can grill or just pan-cook it wih a little grease and sprinkle a pinch salt into the pan as it cooks.

-grease a saucepan and add pineapples in, along with juice of one lemon and a handful of sugar, 2pinches of salt and pepper.
-let sugar caramelise and relish is done.

---to serve, put pineapples first on plate, then, the chicken, drizzle with honey and some sauce from the relish. potatoes on the side and voila. simple.

ingredients for MS:-
-fresh button mushrooms (white and brown)
-two cloves of garlic
-1/4 cup of plain flour
-1/2 stick of butter
-2 cups of milk ( can add one cup of cream if u wanna creamy)
-3 cups of water
-salt and pepper

methods:-
-slice mushrooms up thinly
-melt butter in a pan
-gradually add flour to the melted butter and stir or whisk as u add.
-add in milk and water as u stir slowly on medium heat.
-in another pan, sautee' chopped garlic till light brown and add mushrooms.
-cook mushrooms till tender and add them to the pan with milk mixture.
-add salt and pepper to taste.
(do try ur own renditions wit seafood or anything else u might prefer, just add on to the list of ingredients)
soup will serve four to six.

and voila. there you go~
lol. its just weird i feel like im writting a cooking book.

final words of the day is,
one yearns, then, one crumbles. ~go figure~

2007-02-15T21:23:00.000+08:00

-angsty-nancy- part-deux-

hey

i realised that i am so angsty and worry-ful in my entries.

hah

but well

its what i feel inside

some unseen anger/dissatisfaction

i dunno

its really something i myself dunno.

and also, im so self-absorbed somehow that i dun really care bout others
oblivious.
ignorant.

but ofcourse there are reasons for this.

its all psychological.

theres a root to all things.

oh and i remembered that just now
as i was having my coffee
this girl came to me and i totally cant
remember who she is.
my gosh.
i feel bad ofcourse but i dun really regret cuz i am really bad at remembering

and also, im totally oblivious most of the time
to satisfy my selfish need to feel "fine"
to not be insecured

its never gonna end, this esteem issue

i fret on these little things too much
like somehow i guess i enjoy the thrill.

its all again unexplanable.

bleargh.

2007-02-15T20:56:00.000+08:00

-s-o-l-

so i got really sick and tired
of talking to myself

yes that is the sign im still human and very much alive.

endless nothingness fills me up

till iv reached this level of perpetual thinking
worrying
just way too much

that again, emotion and mental affects the physical

day by day i feed my cats and strays
go out but not attending class
getting irritated by the slightest things
drinking way too much coffee
and having no desire to eat-so-much

sleeping late watching tv
im becoming a fucking sloth

how the fuck am i going to survive living this way
ah..the absence of zestness.

yes, zest is desperately ardently needed.

fuck it.
sometimes i feel like i can control myself
sometimesi do not even know or understand what is actually making me
do what i do

like this subconcious marionette
playing me

wishing for change but i stay rooted to the floor.
watching porn
smoking like my lungs are like plastic bags

i feel drained
i feel uninspired
i feel undesired

again, all those sentiments from the past
seems to ressurrect

and i get more and more drenched
by it
i hope not to drown.
i dun wanna drown.

yes, back to moody
live-life-day-by-day
but no progression
pessimistic
self-devouring animal

im thinking too much again

and the fears are endless.

damn phases.

2007-01-27T16:50:00.000+08:00

oblivionation

and then i found myself reading my really really old emails
and my really really old old blog entries dating back to when im so so young

and i began to feel that boy i was before.
the emotional self that may appear so childish and pathetic
but that too, moulds and strengthens him

and i cant deny that i felt like shedding a tear or two when i
began to reminisce bout all those things he had to go through

tho right now, its a totally different take .
if i were in that position that is.

or rather, i will never get myself in that position cuz i know better somehow.

leading to a new problem?

well life without problems is just too fake and i dun think i can live in that life
cuz i know im not destined to be in that fake place.

you know sometimes i think too much bout being self-conscious or whatever
or how i "appear-to-be" to others.

and yes, i am still not over that stage yet.

cuz its been haunting me all my life.
it already become a psychological scarring that ofcouse is difficult to remove.

hmm.
kinda a blast out of the blue. but yeah i havent been expressing myself much
cuz theres nothing much to express for.
hah.

and im really worried bout my final collection but i am also really excited.
and ive been procrastinating so much and i am getting worried and scared of myself.

and im still trying to be used to being with myself u know.
not really having anyone to talk out to most of the time.

thats why all these writing is essential for my sanity.

lalalalala...
i have no idea what is this all about

but i think i should just get the fuck out of my house and drink some MORE coffee which makes me sleepy all over again and sleep all through the weekend.

ah its so tiring to constantly have to try to look "good" or to satisfy my insecurity.

but it has become a routine or a ritual for me to do so, or i'd be even more 'not feel like looking up to people's faces'.

la la la
yes.
la la la.

my posts are becoming lame. hee.

2007-01-15T00:02:00.000+08:00

anachronic-logocentric-schizophrenic.

ah. well i thought perhaps i should just blurt a few words since its been too long
too too long since i'v been to this place.

wee. a new comp pour moi.
hence, more entries to come, perhaps.

so, isn't it weird, its a new year already.
and im actually in the process of my finale collection!

and im going for national service like in six months?

so what's changed? guess nothing much, or basically i'm kinda used to being by myself.
entertaining myself.
having only myself.

sorry but no philosophical wisdomic life theories today.

and i dunno how to change the size and color of fonts using Mac. ah. seems like boring
one tone words for now.

2006-07-05T01:21:00.000+08:00

the EMU called rainbow that bled itself to death.

quack quack.

bye bye BLONDIE......

i was stupid. so cuntfucking moronic stupid.

wasted eleven bucks on hair bleach which didnt work and now my hair is stupid. dyed it black and red - again.

well. my room's finally spacious. fucking trashed out all the shit that i dun need or are just junk and taking space and yea. eleven huge rubbish bags full of shit.

and i still cant believe it that i now need to get out of my house everyday or i'll feel like iv just decomposed little by little.

and my daily routine is to terrorize cottage pies cafe which only has two bloody tables for smokers and i conquer my space for hours and hours till i feel like puking from drinking too much coffee and when my fags are limited.

bleargh....

hah. waited for my fifty bucks pay from the marina square opening fashion show for two months and i just got it in my account just now and i spent forty fucknig bucks on god knows what.

hah.

spendthrift, impulsive or just mere stupid?

all of the above.

been really craving to spend some money~

i feel so deprived.

iv been thinking alot since whenever. but i just dun feel like blogging them down. haha. no more twelve-steps programme kinda shit. for now.

i guess im paying more attention to myself as i am, noting down what happens what i really feel, not so deep inside.

trying to feel a little closer to "normal". hAh.

iv been cracking my head for a name for my label or something. you know, at least i can label my works with a cool cool name that people would remember for a lifetime. haha.

artsy fartsy shit is over-rated.

names are shit.

pathetic one word crap is shit.

oh and yea i suddenly wanna say, gosh why the fuck are everyone trying to be "artsy-fartsy?

trying to look weird to look "cool" when they actually dun have any clue what's individuality's all about. haha. that just sprang out of my head like jack-in-the-box.

wee tacky tagline!!

"take that off and put this on."

2006-06-27T00:47:00.000+08:00

STARS ARE BLIND.

i am really amazed to where i'v been and what i'v succeeded in achieving.
sheer gladness and worry-less sun-kissed days.

weee.
can FREEDOM be this exhuberating?

emotional freedom and free from all ties of frivolous superficial antic experiences.

i dunno how many months of my term break had passed. and i do feel a slight tinge of boredom.
hah. many many plans but never productive.

i guess iv had too much Mojitos and Bloody Marys and time to be serious ya~
hahaha.
should i start on my amateur "collection".
i wanna clean my room.
throw all filthy SHIT.

wanna wipe my room blank to collage on new (happier) memories.

been spending almost every day at Cottage Pies Cafe with infinite cups of coffee just staring into blankness and oblivious of the surrounding.

yea, my bestfriends: my journal and my ipod seems to be my savior from the dark miserable hole of boredom. but this routine is making me feel bored as its always the same old thing.

ahhhhh. i cant sew in my stupid room anymore cuz my brother damaged my machine. so its such a hassel to keep going down to my grandma's room to sew cuz all my materials are in my room. and yea. in the end, the "too much work" makes me give up and become lazy and thus i watch tv and talk to myself and eat carrots and watch The Libertine over and over.

iv found myself a new love.

well, lovers actually.
more than one. hmm.

and im not gonna say.

hahaha.

tomato juice.
golden raisins.
apples.
and many more healthy food~

haha. weird. but i do feel like gobbling down fruits and vegetables nowadays.
what a weird weird strange phase.

well, good for me.

stupid bro's computer which i use most of the time keeps dying. so i lost many of my movies and songs which i painfully waited to finish downloading and its all gone and yea.

haha.

had a long chat with alvidah that day about life, god, people.
and i think its a really good sign that we're getting more and more matured compared to before.
and oh how iv erased those childish times. hahaha.

wee. looking forword to the picnic babe.
salami
biscuits
cheese
wine
wine
wine
wine
(oh ill make a citrus chicken and potato salad?)
hmm. what else is good for a nice picnic?
caviar?

slurrp.
im always thinking of food nowadays till i forgot what i ate two hours before. hah.

weee.
another stupid long entry.
just to recap on my life. haha. incase i suddenly become famous and die, this place would be my biography and who knows. hahahaha.
ok enough self-talk and im gonna make something to eat.
ah i wish im paris hilton. :)

2006-03-12T23:21:00.000+08:00

nothing makes me feel better than music.

music baby.

music.

these sappy lyrics makes me feel so un-lonely.

it. IT. IT. IT. it ended.

no more to say.

speechless.

gaGGED.

i feel so thin like my heart is outside my ribs.

i need to eat man!

sometimes i feel so stupid for putting myself in this.

for actually making myself believe that its all true.

feel so guilty for all the pain i caused innocent hearts.

but nothing can ever ever EVER (no matter what u say) can ever describe this Pain.

As the same for nothing can ever describe the Love.

i hate myself for being to foolish.

i hate myself for being too human.

and now I [ I ] am supposed to walk away..

far far away.

too painful.

itll take my whole life.

for it took me my whole life to find this love.

well, im too young to say that.

but who knows when will we die.

live days like its the last.

and THIS THAT THIS day feels so dreadful.

im okay.

(now i deserve to live a life of lies, to myself)

lying to myself that i am okay.

crazy.

i am so mixed up.

cant talk.

dont wanna talk to anyone anymore.

writing makes me bored.

im only left with this stupid blog to shit all my shit.

if u read, dont start judging me.

not self pity.

its truth.

and i hate truths.

but i hate lies.

i feel sick.

inside.

no matter how strong i tell myself to be, im still weak.

weakened by all these in just one blow.

too much.

too much at one go.

but.

iv got no one to blame.

but myself.

2006-03-12T23:09:00.000+08:00

in my head. no doubt

I try to think about rainbows, when it gets bad, you got to think about something, to keep from going mad, I try to think about, big fat roses, when the ship starts going down, but my head is wicked jealous, dont want to talk about it right now, long distance, dont talk about, ex-girlfriends, dont talk about, you without me, dont talk about, the past. in my head its only in my head (only in my head) in my head its only in my head (only in my head) theres just something about you that gets me in a twist, and sometimes i think that cupid is just taking a piss, it only takes one word or idea to send me in real deep, so if you think your clever, use the right words when you talk to me, long distance, dont talk about, ex-girlfriends, dont talk about, you without me, dont talk about, the past. in my head its only in my head (only in my head) in my head its only in my head (only in my head) in my head its only in my head (only in my head) in my head its only in my head (only in my head) I really think i have a problem, I really cant control myself, why do I get to suspicious, do you want someone else? cuz everybody wants, everybody else, everybody wants, everybody else, everybody wants, everybody else, everybody wants, everybody else! only in my head its only my head in my head its only in my head (only in my head) in my head its only in my head (only in my head)

2006-03-12T23:05:00.000+08:00

Use me
I'm beautiful
Take me
I'm yours
Hurt me
It feels like medicine
And all i deserve
People have funny things
Swimming inside
They swing like pendulums
That turn like the tides
Darling
I don't need money
I could be happy
With someone to love
Oh what a crazy time
I've been a fool
On a wild ride to oblivion
I lost my mind
But with you it's understood
You make me feel strong
Your arms look so powerful
When they hold me down
Darling
I don't need money
I could be happy
With someone to love
Everyone looks dangerous
And noone keeps their promises
And i am always running
And you have your dark places
Regretting
Feeling
Remembering
Something
We never said (regretting)
We wish we said (something)
We should have said (regretting)
We could have said (something)
Truly
I don't need money
Or strangers to love me
Or diamonds and pearls
Or fast cars
Designed for the rock stars
I could be happy
With someone to trust
Someone to love
Someone to trust
Use me
I'm beautiful
Take me
I'm yours

2006-03-01T00:32:00.000+08:00

ALAS! I've updated my blog after decades of oblivion...

and its time i began to shove junk back in here.. :)

2006-02-28T20:43:00.000+08:00

Broken Promise
Placebo
They rise above the hills
They cry about this
As we live in hope
A broken promise
I was not honest
Now I watch as tables turn
And you're singing
I'll wait my turn
To tear inside you
Watch you burn
I'll wait my turn
I'll wait my turn
I'll cry about this
And hide my cuckled eyes
As you come off all concerned
And I'll find no solace
In your poor apology
And you'll regret that sounds absurd
And keep singing
I'll wait my turn
To tear inside you
Watch you burn
And I'll wait my turn
To terrorize you
Watch you burn
And I'll wait my turn
I'll wait my turn
Promise is a promise
And I'll wait my turn
To tear inside you
Watch you burn
I'll wait my turn
A broken promise
You were not honest
I'll bide my time

I'll wait my turn

2006-02-28T02:56:00.000+08:00

GREAT.

2005-08-19T00:20:00.000+08:00

excuse me dude, i think im in love with you.

at least, 'life' (new life aka newborn) can be expected.
but death, death is just a sudden trip off the edge of a cliff next to a deep bottomless valley.

la la la.

certainly not a way to end my day after school, all weary and dry. two days ago.

it didnt came across my mind that i would feel a single tinge of sadness.
since he wasn't really around most parts of my life.
but theres no choice but to reminisce, as i stare blankly at his face.
almost looking like he's fast asleep. but he's just too still.
he's dead. lifeless. soul-less.
just a carcass. like the sheded skin of a snake.
just lying there.

im his first grand-child.
therefore, i did NEED to be there.
even if it seems i didnt play much of a role in HIS life.
but i used to mean something, the day i was born, im sure he was delighted to recieve his first grand-child, when he had the honor to be addressed as a grandfather.

he played a huge role in my life cuz he was my grandma's husband.
my grandma who loves him and cares for him when he's sick, despite what he's done.
heartbroken and shattered, she was the only devastated person upon his death.

that just shows, how strong love is, no matter how much evil, how much pain one caused, it can never be destroyed.

but why cant someone who's BEING Loved, ever treasure and understand.
yet they stil dont care.
untill the day they died, then they'll see who really loves/loved them. only its too late.

its the same for vice-versa.
why cant u love someone just as much. ull never know when its too late.

unless, it doesnt really matter much to heartless assholes.
but i doubt there're these people.

the human mind, psychology. its just too extremely complexly deep to understand.

oh well.

my final statement is,
do love your all.
to anyone. everyone.
you live only once to make mistakes. to create regrets. to create pain.
why waste ur life away when u got the chance now, this very moment, to love.
and if uv got someone who loves you so much, why cant u just show and tell them.

dont make boundaries hinder your path to love and be loved now that u have it in life.

THEN
i start to think of something else, related to love.

well, readers, dont be alarmed by my infinite subjects regarding love and life, but thats what's most prominent in my mind at this every moment so deal with it.

what does it mean if 'WE're NOT MEANT TO BE".
whats being not meant to be?
cuz theres just to spark anymore suddenly?
(there must be reasons for the spark to dissappear. and it was sparks that brought two people together in the first place)

its not nature, its not fate. its not common sense.
its the mind.

two people can stay together for as long as they want it.(but mostly, either one of them would give up first and fuck off.)

in one movie i watched, the character said, "once u know someone too well, its time to leave for another".

does that sound right to anyone who's humane and wise enough.
is that wht ud prefer life to be.
thats to run away from challanges and to run away from dissapointment?

without conflict, without "war", without destruction, there can never be a new beginning.
its the way of life.

but most people are just being cowardice. too shy, or too ashamed, or too timid to go through the very cycle of what life should be for their own selfish terms.

to be selfish. how does that start?

whymust people get selfish. why cant people think of others.
think and feel deeply for others before themselves.
again, comes back to my say about "you live only once".

its not all about self-satisfaction.

its the peace and love you bring to everyone around you, especially to those who truly show and say they love you.

then life will be fine and happy.
ITS NOT ALL ABOUT ONESELF.

i know we are are entitled to OUR own life, BUT how about the LIFE around YOU?

hahaha.
its just funny to think that im just being sentimental and mushy.
but its important, these things i say.
it does make sense.
im not talking cock.

but its true sometimes, well maybe most of the times, people will only realise, WAKE UP, just when its too late, when its taken away, when its gone for good.
but its TOO LATE!
unless too late's what u're waiting for.

2005-08-10T04:26:00.000+08:00

take one step at a time for long-term commitments;

take giant leaps in-between.

giant leaps are more unpredictable. u wouldnt know if ull fall smashed into splattering pools of blood or ull reach the gorund safe, sound and determined of your directions.

therefore, its fun, more exciting, add exhuberance to life.

take one small slow step at once, for those things which ud be living with, (and/or more important) for the rest of your life. so as not to get to a point of 'regret' (and/or dissapointment) in the end.

we should be doing both of these so that we wont complain so much.

sort of being more organized.

like u know which is which, and understand and could control and get hold of our lives.

than just feeling remorseful all the time or something like that.

haha. im about to sleep actually, when this thought came about.

and i just wanna write it down.

lalalala.

2005-08-10T03:44:00.000+08:00

you're all i'm made of.

it feels like forever's what it takes to feel such sheer gushes of pulsating sunshine glee deep inside.

and then the unexpected happens.

well. i am still wondering if its true that you cant live a life without 'love'.

and if life could still continue, with a missing piece.

then im contradicting and confusing myself again.

but well.

i guess it all depends on situations.

it all depends on whats destined for us.

what you think is good for yourself.

getting way too deep now. but i just cant help myself.

im blessed to have this blog. where my most intimate of thoughts and ideas could come to life,

or be contained for reminder's sake.

and yea, today just felt new.

but i hope it stays new and not recussitate the dying/dead 'bad' past.

iv learnt more than anything possible throughout my relationship.

i am confident to say, that it's truly a life-changing experience.

not just in terms of 'a relationship' but wholesomely.

does anyone experience the same thing as i do?

how every single conflict could reveal your strengths and weaknesses and your ability to think rationally yet wisely.

but it will be sad to know that 'it' wont be lasting forever cause' there's no choice for either of us.

well, there is a choice. but it all depends on circumstances.

we humans are born to dream beyond our wildest dreams.

and we're born to go through the very pain of reality, but without despair or regret.

im sorry readers, if my 'new' entries seems to be mostly almost long winded mind fucking crap.
but i just need to put it down so i could release myself from this straightjacket of delusions and thus, force myself to wake up and continu growing up.

lalala.

im totally not making any sense at all.

i hope since people see my entries are too long, they wont even bother to read, cuz id be a little embarrassed if people read them cuz they are merely crap, in a good way, to me.

lalalala.

and so i shall sleep now.

2005-08-09T00:05:00.000+08:00

angsty nancy.

how long has it been?

three months?

and now i guess its the most appropriate moment to commence vomiting my brain fucking juices and mind-shit all over again.

and for the past few months iv been rather keeping everything to myself.

getting hold of myself.

getting in control of my life, my heart, my everything.

a brand new beginning, i told myself.

school made me feel queezy. in a good way.

and i am enjoying every single fragments of what has happened.

new people surround me.

new subjects.

new environment.

basically, NEW la.

hah. i just need to say something.

and now, i somehow understand the whole concept of fate and destiny.

the funny way truths and goodness and reasons are hidden beneathe the worst that could ever happen to us.

iv been smacked infinite times in the face with reality and how waking up dos help oneself to realise whats more important and cant do with/without.

i know im just spilling out these bubbling thoughts.

but im happy to get it out of my over-dued pregnant head.

and i have this particular thought swimming about in my head:-

people come and go in and out of our lives, giving reasons and making their own selfish excuses.

but what's left for us to do but just let them fuck in and out.

should there be sadness at all.

should tears be shed.

should memories be reminisced and pondered over and over upon.

should we call it 'loss'.

actually, we should not bother at all.

cuz if its gone, its gone.

life has to go on.

but there will be one thing, or another, missing from our lives.

and whats missing will not be found, unless its returned to you.

well, thats me anyways, if i lost something, i wont come crying looking for it.

so.

if love dies/ gone missing/ fades away/ vanished/ replaced.

its gone.

gone.

good bye.

this will remind me to fill in that empty space(which used to be love) in my life with my passion for experimentation and art and adorning people, creating clothes.

unless that 'love' will ever return.

by someone else, or something else, or the same old person.

but usually,

if i lose something, i wont see it ever again.

well, again, this is JUST a thought. nothing describing anything that affects me just yet. :P

2005-04-09T21:40:00.000+08:00

i just cant breathe right now.

so please pardon my silence for days to come.

2005-03-22T00:51:00.000+08:00

shieldtox.

this month.

a month of perpetual battles.

an endless war of who's the righteous one to stay, and who, or rather, WHAT(s) should die.

but.

none wins. even after so much abysmal torture and bloodshed and groans and yells of torment, the battle continues.

fights with creatures that moves as swift as air, attacks without a single sound or clue and travels in darkness and shadows.

making precautions and trying to ease the pain.

trying to sleep soundly at night.

trying to not feel the swelling

and annoying ITCH(es).

fuck these pests.

dont be surprised if im defeated and die of dengue.

nothing seem to keep it from attacking. nothing seem to be able to KILL it.

im practically at WAR now, as i speak.

let's put all that ranting aside.

and well. well. well.

i can so feel for the characters of the serial 'desperate housewives.'

the whole thing bout secrecy. mysteries. unexpected events. everything the show has to offer, im so into it. cuz im facing the same things.

guess its all just life. or, sheer coincidence.

i havent been feeling a bit good these days. or rather, i dont feel like typing anything in here.

cuz i feel like iv ran out of important things to say. and yes, thats how i feel these days. i only speak of important things and cast aside/forget bout the not so important onces.

im under this new moving on/away scheme. and not to think or hold back or hold on to frivolous things.

been just scribbling in my journal since im out alot and im too lazy to say anything else in here.

lalala. whats a blog for?

i treat this as a subsitute of my journal, when im online.

im not trying to cover up anythin bout myself.

or create a totally different character/person in this blog.

im giving it my all.

im showing what i really am.

im writing what my mind wants to/ feel like saying.

and i am an honest person.

so. if u have a problem with that then, do what u will.

and anyways.

-people whom u know for the longest time CAN BE ur greatest enemy. or simpler said, they could bring u down flat just like that, cuz u tot u knew them. cuz u tot u COULD trust them.

but in this unfair life, its just sad to say. that u cant even trust anyone. but urself.

-do not be enticed by words. cuz afterall, they are JUST words.

ive got nothing more that i could think of to say now.

believe it or not. im still smiling as im devoured slowly by these fucking diseased pests.

wish me luck.

2005-03-05T22:03:00.000+08:00

THIS WEEK WAS NEW.

new. thats the word. new.

did something new.

volunteered for the M1 Fringe Event curated by the necessary stage.

volunteered to do the front of house stufff and all.

met new faces.

forgot almost all their names.

but heck. its just for a week.

afterall, i have got nothing to do.

and i need to breath of new fresh air and something to look forward to.

and yes, finally its the end.

and it didnt end with a good note.

rather an unexpected annoying shocking frantic hysteric mind-deafening SCREECH.

whats that all about.

i lost my fucking wallet. for the second time.

with my identification card and crap inside.

and money.(mostly coins. oh my precious coins.) that's all ive left.

thankfully, there's nisha and mithun(another new friend ive made this week,who's a friend of nisha's.) and they donated some cash for my trip back home.

hugs everyone.

yeap. ive also been volunteering to help mithun on his installation work in the glass space at city link. sharpening pencils till my fingers became sore and blistered. but it was worthwhile. heh. i felt good helping someone for ART's sake.

and yea. about the fucknig wallet crap. i do hope at least someone could give it back to me.

if not, well, what can i ever do.

things get lost.

ive learnt from my mistake times two.

unexpected unfortunate events happen, as well as blissful ones. yea.

just gotta deal. no point fretting.

hah. is this fretting, what im doing now?

in conclusion, it was a terrific week.

DIFFERENT from what i expect. but it was still wonderful and i actually smiled - at strangers.

AND. I HAD TO WEAR A CAMO T-SHIRT FOR THE WHOLE WEEK.

and im still nervous around MEN.

men. men men. why the heck do i turn into an innocent jittery "virgin" girl whenever a guy/guys are anywhere near me?

jeeeeeeee...

problem problem.

2005-02-28T23:43:00.000+08:00

blue, black, blood, burnt and a humongous blow of guilt.

thanx to my dad, another family outing celebrating my birthday at downtown east eating satay and such on sunday. baby was there as well. was really happy.

is it just me or my higher self is giving me weirder and weirder dreams every night?

that made me wake up in a jolt. and a whole lot of confusion.

so heck. so i didnt wake up on the right side of the bed. so i had a rough night.
so whatever. i didnt really let those affect me. but i do feel weird.

i guess is just me. and my mood swings.

oh well. i dont even know what the hell am i yacking about.
but these days i do feel inspired to do some works of Art.
only i didnt motivate myself enough to make me do the job.

its the rushing of things in my head that gives me weird ideas.

i just feel like writing down something.

oh well. today. i basically wasted alot of time outside.
but not really aimlessly.
so my boyfriend, u dont have to worry bout that.

then i met him after his class.
went over to my place.
the air around us seems a bit weird.
like something's gonna happen.

i wonder why do i sense such things. but im still not prepared when it happens.

breathe breathe breathe.

i love him. happy anniversary baby....

2005-02-27T01:13:00.000+08:00

1+1+1+1+1+

1+1+1+1+

1+1+1+1+

1+1+1+

1+1+

Once again, i wondered how long will it be to write down a day's event. Once again, i wondered if i could only remember what happened for the day.

And this is how it goes.

The glaring scorching sun burns my skin as i made my way to the shopping centre, to grab my daily doze of caffiene. How much i hate the sun, i kept whining to myself. The soothing aroma of freshly brewed coffee decreased the overraging tension. I began to forget about the sun's heat and I thought about the excitement to find out how the day would be like.

The bus ride was slow and bumpy. Bossa Nova tunes were playing on the radio as i closed my eyes to cast away the distracting stares i got from strangers galore.

Soon I reached Yishun, nauseous and feelnig insecured as i brushed through the overwhelming crowd of unfamiliar faces and made my way to the nearest 7-11 store to get a pack of fags.

Rizal welcomed me at the door. I was relieved im safe from the eyes of strangers. And relieved i'm not out in the sun anymore. And the sight of his smile truly made me feel comforted.

I started out throwing out the paints and brushes out of my batik bag and messing up Rizal's tidy room and began to write down 'cottage pies' in bold onto the gouache paper. Painted for four hours, with fag breaks in between and a lovely microwaved pasta meal, thanks to dear Rizal.

Nisha called to arrange a meeting at the reservoir near Rizal's flat. So i made my way on my own along the dark pavement and thee she was with a box in her hand.

Her smile was contagious. And i was glad to see her again, after so long. She remembered my birthday and got me a slice of cake from Starbucks Coffee. We sat for a moment at the reservoir, looking at the peaceful ripples and light reflections on the water. It was a brief meeting since it's ten to twelve and she had to head home.

I sat on the round mini-dining table in the kitchen as Rizal made some instant noodles for supper. And then not to forget dessert that Nisha gave me, and i shared it with Rizal in candle-light, lots of laughter and hilarious handphone video recordings.

Had some lame conversations with his sister who's obsessed about getting a mobile phone that's the same model as mine, before watching 'The Princess and the Warrior", before going to bed.

The blinding sun's ray that's reflected on the glass window pane of an apartment at the opposite building woke me up, also the laughter of Rizal's all excited mom chatting on the phone about her eldest daughter's engagement ceremony.

Breakfast was HOT! Had home-made mee-soto, thanx to Rizal's sweet mom

Waited. waited. waited for my boyfriend to give me a call to confirm our meeting time. But he didnt call. So i followed Rizal out to get more paint for his sister and walked around Northpoint to waste some time before i got on the bus back to Pasir Ris.

Pumpkin was already there munching on a chicken pie and sipping a latte. A 'Barang-barang' paper back was on the table containing a pot of a mini-orchid plant.

Thank you honey for this pretty gift. :)

So, i decided to make a pizza and we ate while watching Cirque du Soliel ALEGRIA vcd in the living room.

We finally got up to my room and all so comfortable when i received an sms from his cousin who needs to talk to him. Deep in my mind, "Oh dear, bad news."

Pumpkin couldn't stay over tonight as planned,sadly, but i did had some fun after all.

So our night was axed short and with a blink, i was walking him to the usual bus-stop to send him back. Nonetheless, i do thank him for his effort and time spent with me on this day.

Finito.

That's how the first day of being nineteen went out.

SPECIAL thanks to Rizal especially for welcoming me to his warm, cosy and humble home and allowing me to stay over for the night and spending a night i turn a year older with me, just as how i did on his. And thank you for your patience and unending kindness.

And to Nisha!!! for a birthday cake that i'll never forget.

And my Dearest partner, i can never ever ask for more. Your presence, the unexpected present, adorable smile, hugs and kisses that makes my heart skip so many beats at different intervals, made this day the most special of all.

finally, thank you to ALL those who remembered my birthday. heh... thank you for ur five cents smsing me.

2005-02-24T22:03:00.000+08:00

2005-02-23T23:54:00.000+08:00

A jamais.

just to re-cap myself what i did last week and this:-

-went M9 exhibit opening reception @ art seasons.

(an exhibition of local artists' works)

(had a really great time interpretting each and every interesting paintings there with rizal.)

-meetings with 'the cottage pies lady' to discuss my new 'project'.

-helped out fara and her boyfriend sell stuff and some of my own paintings and such, at LASALLE-SIA open house.

(had so much fun, thanks fara!!)

-painted my old shoe.

-got a new handphone.

-pumpkin's handphone+important cards got stolen.

(damn that fucking asshole. may god justify his sins.)

-watched pumpkin perform with his classmates.

-fretting over the outrageous increment of costs of fags!!!!!!!

lalalala.

basically, thats the most interesting details. but the rest are just stoning around and wasting my youth away.

lalala.

my b'day's cummin on saturday.

lalalala.

im gonna watch some vcds rizal borrowed me.

-lost and delirious

-one hour photo

-next stop wonderland.

lalalala. good night people.

lonesome movie marathons should be fun, im gonna try that now.

and not to forget, i love him.

lalalalala...

2005-02-20T16:01:00.000+08:00

THE DAYMARE.

it was only bleakness as the whole family entered the new huge two story bungalo.

we were too excited to notice the dullness of the atmosphere.

we were too ignorant.

but i was the one who somehow "knew".

the interior of the house's like the one in 'the others' plus 'casper the movie'. i didnt actually see the house from outside, sine the dream started with the family entering the house.

days past. and we were all doing our own things.

the house was really nice. really really nice.... the only light that brightens the house is the sunlight that comes from my room, cuz i like to have my windows unobstructed with heavy curtains.

my room was bright WHITE. with flowy white voile drapes hanging from a pole.

my window was really big. its higher than me. just huge.

my room is the only place i couldnt feel the dullness.

only i know there's something wrong, still.

there was a large spiral staircase which begins at the hall of the house.

at the hall, there were comfortable seating and lounge daybeds.

imagine, the whole house appear very very GRAY. the light was dim GRAY. its weird cuz there were no colors no colors at all that can be seen IN the house.

at some points of time, i could see shadows or apparitions at the corner of my eye.

but i thought i was hallucinating, since i always become paranoid bout all these whenever we come to a new house.

my grandma was cooking. i didnt get to see how the kitchen looks like. but i knew she was cooking cuz i could smell the distinctive usual aroma of belacan(shrimp paste). it was fragrant. and i felt very hungry.

i was as always waiting for the food to be ready as i waste time doing whatever.

i couldnt remember seeing a tv or paintings or frames or any household decorations.

the whole family was on the first level- my brother who's sleepnig on the long daybed, my mom who just came downstairs from praying in her room, and my grandma in the unknown kitchen.

the time's about four plus. i knew its mid afternoon i can feel the heat from outside.

(AND OHHH! when u are in THE HOUSE, u cant feel the heat from outside, its like a totally different temperature. like the temperature somehow dropped a bit in the house. its like the house was made from hard cold marble top to floor. i dunno.)

i can feel the heat from outside as i stand closer to the window at the living room. it was really sunny and really hot white outside. i didnt look whats outside. thats the twist.

then my mom sat on the sofa and she fell asleep. i went back up to my room and i can sense something terribly weird.

so i yelled for my mom. and shortly after, she came asking me why. as i entered my room with her, i 'saw' a whole goup of people,( like a malay family, the females with headscarves and all) they were standing on the far left as i and my mom make a turn to the right, to go to the window.

i thought i saw them. but they were all blurry. they were not clear. and then they were gone.

i felt like i was in the others or something.

i wanted to tell my mom bout it, but i know she hadn't watched it before so i just kept it to myself.

the weird thing is, whenever i sense something and needs peace, id go to my window. since there was light and the light and heat from the sun comforted me. oh yes, and one time, i guess i saw what's outside, and it feels like my room is located so high up like im in a penthouse or something. there was a crowd of people walking around, u know, like a city scene. its really weird, cuz our house is a freaking bungalo hmm. THIS WEIRDNESS didnt seem to be WEIRD to me, in the dream at all. its like in the dream, i was kinda dazed and not so wary of things. except those ''ghastly" experiences, i guess cuz its overwhelming.

ok, back to the story.

my mom then left me there at the window. and i guess she went back to her room.

then i saw those 'people' again in my room. the breeze was blowing the lightweight white drapes. so u know, like amidst the pureness of light and white, something dark and evil lurks at the other side.

ok i duno how to describe it.

then i SCREAMED for my mom. she didnt come.

i ran to her room and she was standing there at the door.

i pulled her hand.

i was searching for her fingers but there weren't any. stupidly, i asked, "where's your fingers?".

then she just smiled at me. and her hand mutated to some weapon-like thingy. her "fingers" grew out to blades and hooks and all those crap. i grabbed her arm in shock and despair.

i couldnt see her face.

i was just staring at the sharp blades that's trying to hurt me.

(at this point of time, i actually imagined, i imagined what'll happend if my arm was chopped off) this didnt happen, but u know, sometimes, i imagine weird things. and all.

then i pushed her away from me. and she took out some "gun" with an arrow in it. this reminded me of some vampire movies and constantine.

i didnt know how i fell. but i was on the ground, next. and i found a cushion and i covered my face as that lady came to me pointing the arrow to my head and then i waited to die and i actually "imagined" again, how would it be to be killed by an arrow up ur skull. i imagined the pain for awhile, as i was still waiting for death.

but then she vanished.

i ran down. and i saw my mom and grandma standing near the stairs.

i told them frantically.

i told them but they were just looking at me weird.

i pulled my mom's hand and this time, there were fingers and i knew this was my REAL mom.

but she didnt want to follow me.

then ther was a voice in my head telling me to look at my sleepnig brother.

i turned my head to the right as i saw my brother, covered in a blanket.

the blanket moved away by itself as i could see his head and slowly i saw his hand.

there was a knife in his hand and he was going to cut off his ear.

its weird cuz its as tho some unseen force is forcing him to do that.

i could see his facial expression, struggling for dear life.

and then i looked at my mom and grandma and they were juz staring at me, again, i guess they were "forced" by an unseen force to just watch as these tragedy's happening.

and then the dream ended.

noticed that i didnt mention my dad in the dream?

cuz he wasnt. and THAT's another weird thing. cuz i feel like the whole family's there.

but my dad wasnt there.

cuz obviously, in real life, its obvious if some member is missing or what. and u wouldnt say ur Whole family's there if ur dad or whoever isnt there, get what i mean?

yea. i woke up startled and really troubled.

woke up in sweat and the shock is still in my head and my heart's still beating so rapidly.

and yea. i didnt know wht does this DAYMARE meaN

THE END.

2005-02-14T04:09:00.001+08:00

CLUTCH shea seger.

So there, you got me in your clutch again

So there I love your touch

and that voodoo that you do so well

It’s got me spinning around and round

So let me in your world

Let me in your world for a while

Let me in your world so I can sing to you

Oh no you got me going crazy for you baby

Oh no you got me go insane for you baby

So there you got me in your clutch again

And this living is strange

We count our feelings in yesterdays

But is that how you keep me in your clutch baby

Is that how keep it darlin’

Let me in your world

Let me in your world for a while

Let me in your world so I can sing to you.

2005-02-14T04:09:00.000+08:00

aphyxiated by consequences.

happy valentine's day and friendship day to everyone.

mosquitoes and flying insects and disgusting juicy huge bugs are making me unable to get any sleep.

and alas! the video shooting's over and done with.

and thanx again to rauda for giving me this chance of a lifetime to act. heh heh heh.

and thanx to rizal for being there to help out even tho u are drained.

and thanx to rafiqin for ur help, some ways or another.

and sugar coated kisses and hugs to everyone on this day of LOVE LOVE LOVE. hakz!

except u fucking irritating annoying coupling hetero pests that makes my blood go upstairs looking at them all so ladida. but heck.

i've learnt to:

PRACTICE WHAT i PREACH.

2005-02-11T22:59:00.000+08:00

terrace of memories.

this week was a total break from life. anyone kinda agree?

a really long. long long holiday. with all shops unopened.

we've got no choice but to do nothing.

and its good.

well well.

so yesterday i went to yishun.

no where else but my dear rizal's place.

and watched KINSEY +MONSTER.

and the simpsons at five-thirty am.

and i just got back from watching CONSTANTINE.

thanx for the free movie dude. (hugs rizal in sheer appreciation.)

lalala. and i had too much FATS today. a chocolate enriched mudpie and black-forest ice-blended with extra cherries and some more chocolates. slurrp. and pop corn.

i feel dizzy.

calming myself down from the over-raging endorphins.

lalalala.

and this is what iv learnt today:-

-homer simpsons is fucking, yes FUCKING stupid. im annoyed by him, and i wont watch simpsons anymore.

-too much coffee is really bad.

-i should be comfortable with myself and stop trying to read people's minds.

-at least a little bit of confidence would bring u closer to success.

-sometimes, its good to not fully trust everyone. cuz NOT EVERYONE IS TRUTHFUL.

-SOMETIMES its good to not tell everyone everything u feel or think, cuz it'll be unfair cuz not everyone would do the same.

-keep telling myself that PAIN IS WHAT WE CREATE OURSELVES.

but tho, we cant escape from the tendency to "feel/create" pain cuz life is tough, and we should just accept the fact that life is a challenge.

and thus, never let "pain" slow you down or ever STOP you from going through that challenge.

TO GO THROUGH A CHALLENGE IS HOW YOU'LL LEARN HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED.

-the mind needs a break at some points of the day, therefore, do take effort to just breathe and breathe. and only breathe.

-DONT GIVE IN TO ANGER. (or any other emotions in that matter.)

-DONT GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION. (or any other "sins" all the same.)

-believe in yourself, but also believe in others.

-RESPECT YOURSELF. RESPECT OTHERS.

-life IS beautiful (if u choose it to be.)

and its untrue that things are easier said than to be done.

cuz if u keep telling urself THIS phrase, NOTHING

WILL EVER BE DONE.

2005-02-07T01:49:00.000+08:00

la vie d'une poupee.

let us all SCREAM together. WEEEEEEEEEEE.

screaming is somewhat an enjoyable therapy to kill all sorts of stress and intensified negative emotions.

so, let us all be un-ashamed of ourselves and let our spirits soar as we yell the fuck out of our heads.

oh how that helps.

im just feeling a weenie bit twisted now.

the day was awesomely erm. sunday.

je ne sais pas. im feeling something i cant recognise. again, after a long long time.

oh this phase.

so i tried hard to be myself infront of the camera. yes, its true when people say, everyone's different in front of the camera.

but heck. i hoped i did well. tho i know i can soo do better. blahh. (over ambitiousness.)

or is it ego.

hah hah.

thanx rauda for this opportunity.

thanx riz, on behalf of rauda, for volunteering to camera-man for this video.

tomoro'll be another day of shooting and shall i say (acting).

yay.....

lesson(s) learnt today:

-being overly interrogative can spoil surprises.

-regret will never make everything better.

-breathing and more breathing is good.

-acting/role-playing can be therapeutic.

-lies and secrecy shall never exist.

-peace is always good.

-narcissism is a good way to feel extremely secured.

-comparison kills.

-looking down on others to make ourselves feel better(superior) just to lie to urself bout ur own insecurities is the most disgusting thing.(thus, the do-er must feel bad bout it and never do it again.)

-love urself. love everyone. be giving and never expect a return(to feel fully enlightened.)

-positivity isnt that hard to achieve.

-honesty is never a crime.

2005-02-05T01:25:00.000+08:00

Le k i t S c h couture.

today i splurged fifty bucks on nothing.
was totally freaking out at a shop at arab street with fabrics on sale.

so im a messed-up-effortless-stupid-retarded-bitch-fucker-in-rage altogether. said by someone i fucking love most in the whole wide world.

what if ur partner just dont understand you.

bleaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.

well ya. i got three films today.

-million dollar hotel

-restaurant

-harem saure

and fancy cool lacey fabz, black and peach.

and i still need to get lenses.

and i still need to save up.

and i wish i have all the money in the world.

lalala.

no harm wishing.

and rizal went to my place just now. sorry to waste ur time.

-we sorted my button collection.

-ate mee soto my granny made.

weeee. i feel happy to hold a lomo in my hand.

and more happy news. internet in my fucking room!

i love my parents to their very cells and DNA. ok, maybe not DNA. but yea.

and i love my boyfriend.

2005-02-03T13:37:00.000+08:00

lalalalala... (another picture taken by my personal photographer. heh heh heh...)

2005-01-29T01:11:00.000+08:00

le malade imaginaire.

lalalala.
today seemed brisk yet im worn out~

finally met riz after so long, well, suddenly a week seem so long.

hmmmm...

went orchard library. went peninsular plaza to get bck his lc-a that couldnt be repaired.
how depressing.
i feel sad for him. but yea. do not despair.

well well. then we met rauda at bugis and went to bussora street and settled at this -badly designed interior- cafe to discuss her coming project, which i will be featured in.
ho ho ho.... cant wait for the outcome of it.

then, weirdly enuff, i went to this funk-a-shucks hiphop thingy at orchard(yes, orchard again.)
i wish i could feel comfortable moving my body around or maybe, i wish i could gain some freakin weight, so i wont look like a bloody bag-o-bones hopping about the place. blaaaaz.

so ya. that's how my day was spent. and i am truly drained. my contact lenses need to be changed but my pocket's so freakin dry.
yada yada yada.

where are you moJO?

2005-01-27T23:52:00.000+08:00

finding neverland.

what did i do today..

went spotlight tampines and looked at almost everything they have there, wishing i hav the money to buy this and that. picked something i like up and held it in my hand for some time and placed it back.

im cured. im no more a kleptomaniac.

well well well.

then i spent time with salmiah, gera's friend. and her colleague. she treated me chicken rice. :)

people are nice to me. i'm beginnin to like people.

heh heh..

then i met PAV, whom i just knew for less than a day, yesterday, who's a friend of nisha's, and pav's bestfriend, gautham at plaza singapura to catch Finding Neverland, which was truly captivatingly sentimental. thank you pav for inviting me to watch this beautiful film, i apologize if i was rather quiet. if u dun know, im kinda shy around strangers. but ill get over that, dont worry. hah..

lalala. again, i need to brush up on my bloody vocabulary. but i kept procrastinating and lalala. im still stuck with words ive known(and used frequently)for two years.

NEXT MOVIE I WANNA WATCH:

-constantine

-a very long engagement

-series of unfortunate events

i got myself a knitted material to sew a simple tank top(hopefully) then, embellish it and maybe sell it online or something. gotta try to make some money somehow. hah.

any interested consumers?

i need to get a new monitor. just that. cuz my laptop screen's damaged and to replace the bloody screen is useless. lalala. my uncle shouldnt have re-formatted everything, cuz now, all my files are gone. and yea. i need a monitor.

hah. i feel like typing down alotta crap today cuz i feel kinda good. :P

i hate mosquitoes.

2005-01-27T13:34:00.000+08:00

contra-dick-tory.

these few days hav been rather blank.

aimless.

"i dont want a boyfriend who's aimless, with no intentions."

so i guess ill take my baby's advice and not go out so much. and go home early everytime.

and stay home and learn to sew this and that.

lalala.

iv got nothing much to say in my blog these days.

well well. i should be getting ready for "school".

talk to me, tell me lies. (NOT)

2005-01-17T13:17:00.001+08:00

eternal sunshine for a spotless mind.

hurraah. my bro's comp has been infected by some unknown virus. and it couldnt be used.
lalalala.

im at rizal's place now. invited me over in the morning, to watch the golden globe awards on star world together.
lalala. but he fell asleep. heh heh heh...

why do people look so adorable when they are fast asleep?

iv got nothing much to say now. toodles.

2005-01-13T01:39:00.000+08:00

MIND over MATTER.

alas! alas! i'm able to log on to the internet once again in the comfort of my own home.

yea. had to ask permission from my younger bro to use his bloody computer.

blearrghhh...
well well well.

many things have been happening.
to most people around me.

changes in their lives.
unexpected situations.
unexpected HAPPENINGS.
everything seems to be moving, but myself.

is this the time of my life when i should really ponder about my whole LIFE.
is this the time when i should see what i should change and work on that goal?
is this the time when i should continue taking deep breaths and enjoy the calmness before the stress of school(from the unending workloads and trying to speak to different strangers comfortably) returns?

frankly. i am confident that ill make it through.
ill survive any terrains and battles that's to come.
ill make it through this course of fate and destiny im entitled to.

frankly. i know that ive been enlightened somehow. and i can see clearly now.
and i am stronger in some ways.

thou shalt not be controlled by thine emotions.

is this entry just another crap created by another part of me that couldnt be heard by anyone?
hah. maybe not.
lalalala.

work like u dun need the money.
sing like noone's listening.
dance like nobody's watching.

2005-01-01T09:24:00.000+08:00

let's do it (lets fall in love).

lalalalala.

shall i say, Happy New Year to everyone~

this year's "countdown" was the most memoriable of all.

spent the last fragments of 2004 at riz's place.

made a sucky fish and chips which tasted not so bad.

heh. bloody tempura mix. WARNING:DONT BUY INSTANT TEMPURA MIX.

well well. i had to good time cooking and i get to know riz's special someone.

i hoped i didnt spoil the mood for being there to interrupt. heh. heh.

fuck! its the fucking first of january!

the fucking new year!

hmmm.... time to think. think. think.

time to CHANGE.

few days before, ironically, i went to a religious talk.

and iv been reading inspiration books.

trying to cultivate some positivity in my so-it-seems depressed life.

hah.

sometimes i think its funny that i am so overworked and overwhelmed greatly by what i feel.

AND I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND...

and i love all my friends for being there for me whenever i need them.

2004-12-20T18:16:00.000+08:00

captured by nice mister rizal with his lc-a lomo camera.

2004-12-20T15:35:00.000+08:00

IV GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN.

its been almost a month since iv updated this place.
all because of my bloody laptop which failed to work anymore.

my trip to kuala lumpur, malaysia, turned out fine.
that's all i need, a different air to breathe in+different interesting individuals to observe.

now, im addicted to it. and i wish i could travel somemore.

i need to meet new people.
i need a job.
(anyone pays for sexual pleasure?)
yes, im THAT desperate. heh heh heh.

as usual, im at rizal(my savior)'s place to make use of his computer. ;)

lalala. im happy for him. and i guess only he knows why.

oh. and these few days iv been really laying back. relaxing. enjoying my happy mood. feeling calm and at peace. not being overwhlemed by my emotions.

and oh oh oh!! i cut my hair again.seems like its gonna be a monthly thing now, i cant stand unstylable hair.

must try places+food:-
-secret recipe-cheese cakes
-breko-snail burg
-can cafe-spring rolls
-my home cooking.

haha. i miss cooking. and i miss cooking good food.

if love isnt madness, it isnt love.
(some anonymous quote i got from somewhere).

2004-11-28T01:08:00.000+08:00

its amazing what a boy can do, i cannot stop myself. wish i didnt want u like i do, want u and no one else.

just got back from kuala lumpur & melaka.

a bloody typical family outing/gathering=boring.

but i did try to enjoy the scene.

oh well. if i have lots of money, i dont mind staying there.

there's so much to see and buy and try out and lots of yummy people to sleep with.

hakz.

sleepless nights due to staying up late sitting at starbucks sipping coffee.

thank god they have starbucks.

back aches from sitting too long in the car. bleargh.

i need a massage. but where the fuck is my boyfriend.

he never gives me massages before. pity me.

oh bother. this comp is fucked up fucking fucked fucking fuck fucked up.

somebody please buy me that eight hundred bucks flat screen computer from carrefour?!

2004-11-18T11:24:00.000+08:00

sentimientos.

so two days ago i typed a whole long fuckin shit entry and my comp had to fucking die.

so im sooo lazy to type it out again two days later.

so yea.

at Riz's place once again. :)

thanx for letting me use ur comp and thanx for letting me feel '@ home'.

cooked my mashed potatoes yesterday. and chicken+beef meatballs. slurrp.

Rizal keep asking for the recipe. therefore, i shall jot it down here once again.

heh.

KILL'S MASHED (POH-TAH-TOE-S).

ingredients+method:-

1-potatoes. (cut into smaller pieces if they are huge) boil for ten minutes or till they are tender enuff.

2-butter+milk. after mashing boiled potatoes, add some butter, salt and milk. (depends on how much u want)

3-mix them well and voila. eat!!

KILL'S MEATBALLS

ingredients+methods:-

1-meat.

2-breadcrumbs.

3-salt+pepper to taste.

4-eggyolk.

5-corn flour.(to be added in the "meat mixture" and also to roll the balls in before frying.)

6-mix them all together.

7-[optional] roll in bread crumbs or parmesan cheese or can even make burger patties with the meat.

8-fry at medium heat for three to five minutes on each side.

9-eat while hot!

KILL'S berry Sauce.

1-fresh strawberries

2-dried cranberries if u want.

3-any berry flavored jam.

4-sugar+a pinch of pepper.

5-lemon juice.(for a mixed flavor of spicy,sweet+sour.)

6-a lil water.

7-simmer in saucepan for ten minutes all the ingredients.

[note] - if u've added too much water, can thicken the sauce with a lil bit of corn starch.

OR U CAN ALSO TRY A HONEY BASED SAUCE WITH ANY MEAT+MASHED POTATOES.

HOW TO:-

1-honey.

2-a lil brown sugar.

3-water.

4-black pepper to taste.

5-lemon juice or lime juice or BOTH.

6-simmer everything for ten minutes.

[note] goes well with lemon marinated chicken.

IMPORTANT NOTE FOR KILL'S RECIPES.

HAHA.

COOK AT UR OWN RISK. AND DARE TO EXPERIMENT!!!!! LALALALA.

2004-11-12T20:19:00.000+08:00

the secret.

dearest bloggy.

this few weeks hav been very weird. weird. and silent and calming yet anxiously strange.

im at Rizal's place again.
came here last night to continue on my research paper.
and watched jeepers creepers II and magnolia. and singapore idol.

and we had nachos with salsa. slurrp.
and today we made burgers.

khekhe.
im having fun.
and im very happy living in this relaxed state.

i dont worry anymore about irrelevent things.
i feel lighter yet. heh. my slacking attitude plus laziness is the only thing that's to be scared about.

raya is soon. really soon.
my partner will be gone for malaysia tonight.
and i havent seen him for days. weeks.
except that day for only an hour. which didnt count at all.

oh well.
i shall be gone now.

2004-11-08T01:29:00.000+08:00

i am at rizal's place again.

i feel very comfortable here.

i dont feel weird in yishun.

its like soo welcoming.

i fit in.

lalalala.

im supposed to do my art history recovery assignment.

doing a research paper on EDVARD MVNCH -the scream.

what i did today:-

-watched the ghost

-watched last life in the universe.

-strolled thru yishun reservoir and stared at stars and breathed in the dense night air and tabacco smoke.

-freaked myself out at the lift.(i tot i heard voices of kids. and i screamed like a little freaked out faggot freak.)

-lalalala.

-ate alot.

-laughed and talked and mumbled alot of crap.

-i dunno whats becoming of me.

-laughing at nothing.

arghhhh..

ok. i should do my work now.

lalalalala.

lalalalaalaa.

i miss typing crap in my blog.

2004-11-04T01:06:00.000+08:00

N U R.

THIS HASNT BEEN MAKING ME ANY BETTER.

SELFCONTROL.

MIND CONTROL.

MIND OVER BODY CRAP.

I FEEL DRAINED DOING THIS TO MYSELF.

BUT I DONT WANT TO DRAIN MYSELF BY FEELING DEPRESSED ALSO.

NATALIE IMBRUGLIA'S PLAYING REPETITIVELY ON MY CD PLAYER.

'IF YOU DO SOMETHING CUZ U WANNA GET SOMEWHERE, THEN DONT DO IT. DO IT CUZ OF UR PASSION FOR IT.'

MEDITATE. BREATHE. DANCE. SING. CRY. LOSE URSELF. EAT. SMILE. LAUGH. LOVE MYSELF.

2004-10-30T02:34:00.002+08:00

it doesnt seem right to look you in the eye.

watched my first R21 movie. 5 x 2 .

a french movie about love life and everything in between.

i enjoyed it no matter what.

i hate it when i feel so useless cuz i have no money.

arghh.

oh well. listenin to bic runga over and over and over.

2004-10-21T21:15:00.000+08:00

KISSING YOU.

dear blogger. i am at rizal's place now.

watched singapore idol.

used the comp. cuz my bloody comp is dead.

i have to repeat my course.

today i feel sucky. sickly. fuckly. shitty.

lalala.

hungry.

i want money.

i wanna buy potatoes to make mashed potatoes.

i dont know what to do now. haiz.

2004-10-18T17:54:00.000+08:00

imagine, u are a little boy. would u open the door in the floor?

ive been sleeping. sleeping. sleeeeping. dreaming alot at the same time.

dreams so strange.. strangest of the strange.

couldnt be from the thoughts in my head.

haiz.

oh well. its already a monday?

oh my dear.. how come time passes so fast just like that.

last friday i watched THE DOOR IN THE FLOOR.

i enjoyed every bit of it.

truly awesome! haha. yes... thank you amin for coming along. and rizal for ur neverending fun company. :P

guess what. i couldnt resist the temptation. i got myself a can of beer yesterday. ahakz.

and i went to the beach yesterday.

it was dark. the air was thick and dense and silent. the waves arent moving.

and i was alone.

i walked and walked. reminiscing, as i passed by familiar places.

THE BEACH. actually is a place i shouldnt even step onto anymore.

then i went to the swing.

i saw a couple of yummy men.

they looked at me as if i am a psychotic person sitting on the swing all alone in the middle of the night at a ghastly playground.

but i dont care about what people might think. i just wanna do what i feel like doing.

i am not GOING TO CARE anymore.

lalalalalalalalalalalala.

2004-10-11T23:59:00.000+08:00

WARNING: DO NOT DRAG A WHOLE JUG OF BOURBON COKE BY YOURSELF.

these are some amazing things that happened on sunday:-

1 went to singtel fundraising walk-a-jog thingy in the morning.
2 wore a bright red singtel tshirt.
3 walked in the sun.
4 slept for one hour.
5 wnt hard rock with still a hangover.
6 "grooved" to reggae.
7 had a jug of bourbon coke by my own and got high at the last half hour.
8 babbled a lot of crap.
9 i looked funny.
10 went to another stranger's house. (wani's cinese guy friend, shane)
11 puked in his toilet.
12 puked some more.
13 slept in the toilet.
14 slept in the toilet half naked.
15 slept on the floor of his room.
16 went back home at two pm today.
17 wasted time at tampines alone.
18 watched the exorcist by myself.
19 felt like puking in the theatre by myself.
20 met my boyfriend.
21 cooked a sucky meal for him.

the end.

2004-10-07T04:58:00.001+08:00

thank you to gera. i had a great time at Chinablack.
with her fish and co. colleagues.
and i saw fina and yana there~
danced. hahaha
i danced.

i had fun. so much drinks. too much, in fact.
i hate straight guys.
argh

lalalala
im still kinda buzzed.
and im bored.
im at cyber dome internet cafe now somewhere in somerset.

i need my boyfriend. i wanna grind with my boyfriend.

sweet dreams everyone.

2004-10-04T13:46:00.000+08:00

MY RIGHT EYE IS SORE AGAIN.

2004-10-04T13:43:00.000+08:00

When the world is darker than I can understand.

When nothing turns out the way I planned.

When the sky turns grey and there's no end in sight.

When I can't sleep through the lonely night.

I turn to you.

Like a flower leaning toward the sun.

I turn to you.

'Cos you're the only one.

Who can turn me around

when I'm upside down.

I turn to you.

When my insides are wracked with anxiety.

You have the touch that will quiet me.

You lift my spirit.

You melt the ice.

When I need inspiration,

when I need advice.

I turn to you.

Like a flower leaning toward the sun.

I turn to you.

'Cos you're the only one.

Who can turn me around

when I'm upside down.

I turn to you.

Where would I be?

What would I do?

If you'd never helped me through.

I hope someday if you've lost your way.

You could turn to me like I turn to you.

I turn to you.

Like a flower leaning toward the sun.

I turn to you. 'Cos you're the only one.

Who can turn me around when I'm upside down.

When fear tells me to turn around.

I turn to you. 'Cos you're the only one.

2004-10-03T15:58:00.000+08:00

i had a dream last night.

and here's how it goes:

rafiqin gave me a belated anniversary gift.

he shook the little plastic bag with his finger as he smiled at me.

i came running to him and i was blushing with joy.

and i hugged him.

i did not open it till he left.

and i was so happy he gave me a set of eyeshadow with all the colors i love and a tube of mascara.

then when i really looked at the packaging aka plastic wrapper around the items,

i got shocked when i noticed they hav been tampered with aka opened aka used aka RECYCLED.

and to summarize, in the dream he gave me make up that has been used.

thank you so much for the bloody dream. bleargh.

2004-10-02T01:42:00.000+08:00

u can run u can hide but u cant escape my love.

today has been a great day. the start of the weekend.

recieved a sudden call from kim. asked me to accompany her to bugis.

before she head to work.

and thank you very very much kim. thank you.

i owe u girl. i really owe u a huge huge appreciation.

erm.

yea. had more beer.

then i went to esplanade to search for books for pumpkin.

walked all the way. looking so slack.

jeez. believe it or not. i actually wore slippers.

my pink slippers.

hahaha!

then to waste time, i sat at rocky masters at marina square.

had a huge bottle of tiger.

then i head back to the east with a heavy head.

haha.

and got home, cleaned up my room.

pumpkin came.

lalala.

im happy to get to spend time with him again.

ive got a hangover.

and i had mood swings.

but im ok now. after lotsa panadol extras~

thanks to the creator of panadol.

i am the ABUSER now.?

bleargh.

2004-10-01T01:20:00.000+08:00

there is a hole inside my heart, where all of my love came pouring out.

one word to describe the day, terrific~

thank you MEL + KIM for the great day.

esp to mel. for the food and drinks.

i went to orchard and everywhere and city hall and bugis.

followed mel and kim and wani shopping and eating and drinking.

and lotsa walking and talking and making a fool out of my foolish self.

i miss him somemore.

i thought he didnt remember that today's our anniversary.

i thought of calling him and wishing him aka reminding him.

but yea. he wished me a happy anniversary the moment he answered my call.

that made me smile.

i wish i could see him tomoro.

kill, u have to get back to reality please. REALITY, THE PLACE WHERE EVERYTHING DEMANDS SOMETHING FROM YOU. A PLACE WHERE U WILL BE STUCK IN TILL THE DAY U DIE. ARGH.

BUT I LIKE being in my dreamland.

and tho it wont bring me very far. or id actually be suffering alot till the END. at least i know i am enjoying everybit of my life and im happy.

haiz.

why must i be so ambitious.

2004-09-29T23:07:00.000+08:00

i just dont care anymore. ive reached the end of the road. wont cry these tears anymore.

HE is having so oooo so so sooooooo much fun at zouk now.

im having sooo soooo sooo sooooooo much fun drinking wine and strawberry and cream vodka shots alone in my room.

listening to GARBAGE version2.0 over and over and over.

and smoking and smoking.

i met juni juz now. and naz and alvidah.

i hung out with mel yesterday.

we had no money, so i had to entertain ourselves by doing idiotic yet "fun" stuffs. hahahaha! right.

ok. and i went out with ri-an and went shopping with her..

and we ate at cafe cartel.

and i am so full.

and i coincidentally saw my boyfriend alone in bugis.

and we barely talked.

and he was shocked i was with juni and alvidah and yanty.

erm.

and i miss him so much.

my HEART skipped a million beats when i saw him.

really, it was THAT shocking.

it was THAT traumatic.

hahah. kisses baby. i miss u and i miss you.

ARGH.

this friday is our "anniversary". but i dun think he remembered.

got for him something too.

and the full moon is almost over.

and he didnt see any point of "celebrating" and enjoying the beauty of it.

so yea. its again me and myself staring at the sky and be envious of its power and beauty.

lalalalala.

i wish i could turn back time.

BLEARGH.

2004-09-27T23:49:00.000+08:00

send me an angel to love. to feel a little piece of heaven.

i just watched the school of rock.
boy the boys are HOT.
haha.

im turning pedophile?~?
is that how its spelt?
hahaha

haiz.

and i went out with rizal awhile before his practice for gema tari.

i went to modestos just now.
had a 20inch pizza.
thank you juni !!!

i really enjoyed myself. thank you juni and naz for being there when i am always alone...

2004-09-27T02:08:00.000+08:00

You tell me you don't love me over a cup of coffee

And I just have to look away

A million miles between us

Planets crashing to dust

I just let it fade away

I'm walking empty streets

hoping we might meet

I see your car parked on the road

The light on at your window

I know for sure that you're home

But I just have to pass on by

So no of course we can't be friends

Not while I'm still this obsessed

I guess I always knew the score

This is how our story ends

I smoke your brand of cigarettes

And pray that you might give me a call

I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls

Hanging round bars at night wishing I had never been born

And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home

So no of course we can't be friends

Not while I still feel like this I guess

I always knew the score

This is where our story ends

You left behind some clothes

My belly summersaults when I pick them off the floor

My friends all say they're worried

I'm looking far too skinny

I've stopped returning all their calls

And no of course we can't be friends

Not while I'm still so obsessed

I want to ask where I went wrong

But don't say anything at all

It took a cup of coffee

To prove that you don't love me

2004-09-25T14:44:00.000+08:00

yesterday i went to suntec with juni and naz.

we booked ticks to go kuala lumpur this december.

then we went to far east square and went to changing appetites.

had fries and a glass of mojito.

then we went to esplanade.

couples makes me sad.

then i met yanty while going back and went home together.

i enjoyed myself.

rafiqin went to blue's concert.

he is going to boom boom room today.

its amazing he didnt ask me along, when he knew iv always wanted to go there.

but nvm.

its his party and his friends. im sure they wouldnt want RAFI'S BROTHER to TAG along.

right.

as if he would ask me along as well.

so life is unfair.

isnt it juz so sad to think of those unfairness.

2004-09-23T13:47:00.000+08:00

my right eye is sore.

2004-09-22T23:58:00.000+08:00

yippi ya yo!

today i went to takashimaya to get a tiramisu cake pour mon bebe.

got roses for him.

went to spinelli to waste time while waiting for him having fun with his classmates.

walked to city hall. perspired like fuck.

met him.

went to pacific coffee and ate half the cake together.

went to stagedoor cafe @ the arts house.

had chicken callenolli and pepperoni pizza.

he went off to great worldcity.

i felt like drinking my heart out.

i went to orchard and met ri-an.

had three bottles of stella artois and chicken wings.

i love rian. thank you for being there when i needed someone..

im not stressed no more. i can smile now. i can smile!!!!!!!

i love alcohol.

i love my boyfriend no matter what.

2004-09-22T11:26:00.000+08:00

bonne anniversaire mon amour.

these few weeks hasnt been good for me.
havent been feeling good. feeling charged with melancholia.
another phase?

thinking of nothing. thinking again. think think and unable to focus at all.
megativity shrouds me once again..

a similar feeling from the past.
a feeling that takes over my body and soul.

the feeling of lost. loneliness and endless yearnings.
for something i dont even know of.

its just a phase.

i cannot see any light from my future.
i cannot see any light.

ive been grim and sombre and cold towards others these few weeks.
tried to be happy but ill return to that state.
feeling annoyed by the slightest of things.
i cannot communicate.

ried to think of happy thoughts.
but in my head, i know that those happy thoughts are just thoughts.
it wont stay till the end of time.
its not something i could grab hold of.
it will finally die.
happiness will never last.
for me, that is.

its not all in my mind.
but isnt it true.

today is rafiqin's birthday.

i dont know why whenever i say his name i feel a rush of emotions within.
i worry too much.

this phase im in is killing me..

i love him..

please TELL ME THINGS.
DONT KEEP THINGS FROM ME.
PLEASE TELL ME THINGS.
ITS LIKE U HAVE A SECRET WORLD.
IM SURE U DONT LIKE IT WHEN I HAVE A SECRET WORLD.
BLEARGH.

i am turning crazy.
this things im saying are all crazy.

2004-09-19T13:51:00.000+08:00

nisha stayed at my place for two days.

had fun.

a bloody HUGE FLYING FAT DIGUSTING CREEPY cockroach came into my room.

we scared it off finally. after three hours of screaming and running around in the middle of the night.

yup. so yea. we entertained IT and it flew away.

made soy chicken pizza and "turkish" baked beans.

cleaned my room. threw out A WHOLE LOT OF SHIT.

so i had a great weekend i can say.

missing my baby so much still. but hell.

and fucking guess what.

the assessment is coming soon.

and guess again about my progress.

suicide.

AAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

i wish happiness for myself.

2004-09-12T01:49:00.000+08:00

deatholic.

i snipped off alot of juni's hair in the morn.

and did red streaks.

i went to orchard alone.

bought a spiderweb watch.

bought this cider stuff.

i love cider.

went borders.

i just gave myself a haircut.

feelin a bit freaky now. therefore, yup. a freaky hairdo for now.

i hope to get to see him tomoro.

so many yummy people. too little luck.

i can be a fucking bitch when i want to. and i feel superior. i love it.

can i be a bitch now and always?

hmm.

ciao. im dead.

2004-09-10T01:44:00.000+08:00

blissful torment.

right.

oh well. today can be described with one word, ironic.

it was boring. yet exciting. yet tiring. yet enjoyable.

yeah.

hey fucker. u better stop skipping classes or ill kill you myself.

yup. today i went to bishan. orchard. bugis. orchard again.

my first time going to marche` and yeah. i had fun.

food glorious food.

regret i hav no dough. bleargh. whadahell.

went to mccafe` lido.

yea. had fun as ive never been to these places before. lol.

with gera and shaf and wany.

darling's sick. get well soon sweetheart.

im supposed to be stressed.

im puffing away like no one's business.

kidman smokes.

wishing for miracles to happen as though god could hear.

its very good to be narcissistic.

oh oh oh! and we took neo print just now. hehe. so cute.

2004-09-09T03:57:00.000+08:00

Here's some common-sense advice from our Love Tips archive:

1. Try not to criticize your partner. A major benefit of being in a healthy relationship is the built-in support it provides.

2. Sometimes our own feelings of self-doubt can manifest as a lack of trust in our partner. Talk to a psychic before accusing your mate of something that may not be true.

3. Leave job-related stress at the front door. Don't let outside concerns interfere with one-on-one time at home.

4. Don't wait for a special occasion to say 'I love you.' Say it when you feel it! Your spontaneity will not go unappreciated.

5. Fight fair. Be mindful of how you phrase things when arguing. Avoid loaded words, which sound accusatory or judgmental. Don't use "you always" or "you never."

2004-09-09T03:47:00.000+08:00

Six Ways to Make Love Stick:

Switch roles.

Mix it up. Be inventive and turn the tables. Don't wait by the phone. Beat your prospective date to the punch. And be creative about it, instead of the same old dinner-and-a-movie routine, rent a paddleboat, go to a baseball game or see an art gallery.

Tickle the senses.

That doesn't mean just wearing perfume. Stimulate all five of the senses. Share your favorite music, art, scents and foods. He or she will soon associate you with all these things.

Live your life.

Don't put your life on hold. Your new love may be a dream, but don't neglect friends and family over this person. If your new love sees that you lead an interesting life, this person will more than likely want to be a part of it.

Show confidence.

Wear something that makes you feel sexy. It doesn't matter if anyone sees it. That's not the point. What matters is that it makes you feel beautiful and confident. You'll exude sexuality. And that is what's really irresistible.

The kiss goodnight.

Make that goodnight smooch a memorable one. Be gentle, receptive, and stay in the moment. And before you know it, he or she will be back for more.

Stay top of mind.

Leave a quick message saying hi on this person's voicemail or e-mail. He or she will be happy to know that you've been thinking about them, and just like that, they're thinking of you.

2004-09-06T21:04:00.000+08:00

milk.

was late for school.
skipped it.
haiz.
im so impulsively stupid.

was alone at bugis. went bras basah. went raffles city shopping center.

went whitesands.

went home. no one there. stuck outside.

went whitesands again.

went home.

waited and still waiting.
but he hasnt come. didnt come.

i got fucked up.
i made him not come.
therefore, he wouldnt come.

im off to do my unfinished work now.

*zing* back to reality.
smile kill. smile. :)

2004-09-04T21:32:00.000+08:00

I QUIT! I FUCKING QUIT!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

2004-09-02T21:49:00.000+08:00

all that's left has gone away.

great. im so god fucking damn bloody shit fuck drained.

good luck to myself ah! arghh..
things i do for money.

im sure ill be confident next time.

im so new and i had to absorb alot of shit. so yeah.
kinda pressured and nervous.
but i was okay.

kill the shyness and fuck it! u can do it kill! u can do it.

hahaha.

why do i miss him tremendously.

baiser moi sil vous plez..

2004-09-02T08:14:00.000+08:00

THE BOMB.

i went to boat quay ..

:)

thanks sufina the super minah. heh.

haha. that "american" chinese guy fina brought along was funny.

i cant believe i engaged in a conversation with him.
talking about psychology and being humane. yada yada yada yada.

we talked about singaporeans. the way we are. spoilt. sad to say. spoilt. and all.
yea. but i was talking and talking and yea. i kinda thought out of the box from "stereotypes."
isnt that strange.
no wonder i never felt belonged in my whole life.

ok this is a pathetic weird entry.

i love him pumpkin.

2004-09-01T15:13:00.000+08:00

blur.

great. in school now. came late. missed the first class.
damn. textile design. the class i most love.
bleargh.

oh well. so now ive got an hour to waste before the lecture.

i miss you...

weeeeeeee. tomoro will be my first day at work.
excited. scared. bleargh.

pretend. pretend. pretend. to be happy
and smile at the fucked up faces of the other workers.
and customers.

yawn.

2004-09-01T00:03:00.000+08:00

August 31 2004

Dear Kill,

Keeping things running smoothly could take a little more money than usual at this time,

so be sure that you budget accordingly.

It might be a good time to take a look at your spending and try to eliminate whats no longer essential.

You might find that some of the things that seemed so important to you in the past may no longer be quite so necessary.

happy anniversary kill+adiemus.

2004-08-29T22:33:00.000+08:00

roses and handcuffs.

i fucking got the job.
weeeeee!

and another happy news. no school tomoro.
awww. my lecturer is sick. awww...

weeheeee. gonna shop tomoro.

alone.

my partner says i sound like a bloody mat.
what the fuck?

hahaha. yeah great. im a faggot mat.
but hey. aint all mats look so faggot-ish with those super-tight stove-pipe pants?!?
but sheesh. no no. not all mats are fashionable.
oh well. not all guys are fashionable.
oh well. i dont think im fashionable enough.
lol.

im just high from caffiene and happy. painting my nails.
a slurpilicious deep blood red color.

haha. bonjour, bienvenue a delifrance monseiur. peux je prends votre ordre si vous plais?

yawn. i wanna learn french.

2004-08-25T00:01:00.000+08:00

August 24, 2004

Dear Kill,

In spite of all the positive opportunities around you, you may still be dwelling on some hidden matters right now.

Dont create unnecessary trouble for yourself.

Try to put those old concerns away and try to take advantage of the opportunities that are surrounding you right now.

Your aspirations could be within your reach.

2004-08-22T15:09:00.000+08:00

2004-08-22T00:08:00.000+08:00

i find you very attractive. would u go to bed with me?

saturday's are boring.

seems like nothing's happened in my life these few days.

yesterday's yesterday:-

met rizal at orchard.
went to kinokuniya.
he got the color flash splash.
cute. i want a lomo too.

yesterday. nothing much happened.
i cant seem to be bothered about anything anymore.

making wishes whilst counting stars.
haiz.

i feel suppressed.

2004-08-21T19:14:00.000+08:00

It's the disease of the age
It's the disease that we crave
Alone at the end of the rave
We catch the last bus home
Corporate America wakes
Coffee republic and cakes

We open the latch on the gate
Of the hole that we call our home

Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me protect me

Maybe we're victims of fate
Remember when we'd celebrate
We'd drink and get high until late
And now we're all alone
Wedding bells ain't gonna chime
With both of us guilty of crime
And both of us sentenced to time
And now we're all alone

2004-08-20T03:56:00.000+08:00

I Ask Of You

Your love is like a gentle breeze upon a brand new day
Your touch and what it does to me - like a flower needs its rain
We are like one of a kind, true love is hard to find
I can't go on another day
Just hear me when I say

I ask of you, would you love me,
if nothing else went right?

And I ask of you,
would you hold me forever in your life

And don't let me fall, 'cause I can only give my all
Here I am..I ask of you

I found the place where I belong,
it's right here next to you
And nothing else matters now,
with all we've been through
I can't go on, tryin' to deny just what i feel inside,
But now before i let go you gotta let me know.

I ask of you, would you love me, if nothing else went right?
And I ask of you, would you hold me forever in your life
And don't let me fall, 'cause I can only give my all.

2004-08-19T02:44:00.000+08:00

I feel you are entangled in a web of heartache. I sense that you both have put much effort into repairing old wounds, and that you do see in each other a love you so desperately want and need.

I also feel that both of you are searching for love and acceptance. But doing so at the cost of losing yourselves in the process.

The direction is not through each other, but rather, with each other.

Yet, this is difficult with the relationship as battered and bruised as it is.What my guides want you to know most is that you need to both love yourselves more, and to distinguish which values and principles you share.

This is hard to do with doubts and insecurities entering your mind. But my guides challenge you to throw out these negative thoughts, and in their words, "Replace them with thoughts of all the wonderful attributes of love you carry within. It is through this path that you will find your happiness in love, family and in all life."

Remaining in a destructive relationship is a manifestation of the lack of love you feel towards yourself. You must really make the effort to love yourself more.

You deserve to have a relationship that is filled with mutual respect, admiration and all the things you dream of.

Remember, anyone can change the course of his or her life. The possibilities are unlimited!

california psychics

2004-08-19T00:05:00.000+08:00

I DARE YOU TO MOVE.

today:-
saw juni while going to school.
was the only person from my class at the lecture.
had fun learning about nylon.

sometimes i wish, wouldnt it be so fun to be the only person in class?!
heh.

then i met nisha and farah.
thank you girls. thank you for the food.
i had half spring chicken with ginger rice.

then i went to orchard.
tangs is having a fucking sale.
fucking up to 90% off!
cute cute cute skirts man! and shoes!!!!

fuck. im not a girl, i forgot. hahahah

i fucking miss him. but i should just forget about it. shhh.
haiz.

damn it. i have so many shit to do...

2004-08-16T23:08:00.000+08:00

gorgeously GROTESQUE.

I had my palm read today.

i do not have a clear heart-line. its not even a line. its made up of four faint untouching lines.

which means, according to the palm-reader, i am non-existant, as one whole person?

like i have four different personalities?

and i have a long life. long long life.

creative and artistic.

neverending good financial health with certain turbulences now and then.

affairless, relationshipless, supposedly alone for eternity.

no fate-line. meaning i do anything for a reason.

madamme fate is not on my side.

fully dependant.

yea. those are all i learnt about my palm today.

sometimes i think my sharp facial features are really freaky.

too sharp. too fake. too scary.

if im flawless, id look so plastic.

i have to work really hard. yes, keep telling myself that.

work so so so really really really really really very very extremely HARD.

and then id make so much money to do anything id want to.

woohoo. day-dreaming is always

SO ENJOYABLE.

i got myself a little high from drinking wine just now.

how pathetic. getting high all by myself.

but coffee toned it all down. thanks caffiene. i didnt know what i would do. lol.

so off i go for now. gotta rest to prepare for a great day ahead.

2004-08-16T01:36:00.000+08:00

bleached rainbows.

its again. a new week.

a new week.

new plans. new chores.

i worry a lot+ i do have reasons.

+ i sigh a lot + i do feel melancholic.

lets list the things that makes me worry+sigh:-

-piles of work.

-piles of incomplete work.

-piles of new work.

-my laziness.

-my fucking mood swings+ love-drunken mind.

-insufficient credit points from last year.

-projects.

-huge huge huge important projects.

-unstoppable break outs +unremovable scars.

-unable to achieve an ideal weight.

-missing my partner+thinking of him.

thats all for now. but those are really too much.

im like a drowning kitten gasping for dear life.

HAIZ.

yea. im smiling. yet im frowning.

there are a lot of happy memories to keep me smiling to not be too negative.

oh well.

i should start the week with an optimistic mind.

i love myself..

2004-08-14T21:16:00.000+08:00

dance. dance. dance.
sing. sing. sing.
eat. eat. eat.

doing things that might make me happy.

im happier.
im not worrying so much.

tho i may feel a bit lonely.
but its alright.
ive got myself here with me.

listening to recordings of myself sing.
laughing at myself.

and praising myself.
criticising myself.

wow.
isnt that fun.

everybody should do that.
its very entertaining.